tezcatl_ipoca: (crackemo)
[personal profile] tezcatl_ipoca
Can't get used to this at all. It's the weirdest fucking thing.

When I saw the kid first, in the hospital (and ignoring Thiess' present for all I was worth), I didn't feel any great rush of paternal feeling. It was a weird color and slimy and its head was the wrong shape, and they still expected me to hold it. Freaked me the fuck out.

And yet...keep finding myself calling her up, asking if it's okay for me to come over. Buying stupid crap for the kid. Getting used to holding her, too - amazing how much heavier a baby is than it looks - though it still makes me nervous. What if I break her or something? Danika doesn't seem to be worried about that, though. She's tired, but she looks happy. I stay over, sometimes - sleeping on the couch - to try and give her a break.

But there's always the knowledge that I'm going to leave, underneath it. Every time I hold the kid, I feel subtly guilty. Jesus. Every time Danika smiles while I talk to her in Spanish and call her BrĂ­gida rather than Brigit. I know Danika's going to be a good mother, and fucking Thiess seems to be settling right in, but...hell. She's mine. Once I leave with Al, am I even going to see her again? There's times I catch myself wondering, just a bit, what would've happened if me and Danika'd got hitched after all.

Not saying I'd go back. Not saying I'd change my mind. But it's bitter, sometimes.

[Open to Al]
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September 2010

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